But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still
the tempter followed me with, But whither must you go when you die?
What will become of you? Where will you be found in another world?
What evidence have you for heaven and glory, and an inheritance
among them that are sanctified? Thus was I tossed for many weeks,
and knew not what to do; at last, this consideration fell with
weight upon me, That it was for the word and way of God that I was
in this condition; wherefore, I was engaged not to flinch a hair's
breadth from it.
I thought, also, that God might choose whether he would give me
comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore
choose whether I would hold my profession or no. I was bound, but he
was free: yea, it was my duty to stand to his word, whether he would
ever look upon me, or save me at the last. Wherefore, thought I, the
point being thus, I am for going on and venturing my eternal state
with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no: if God doth not come
in, thought I, I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into
eternity, sink or swim, come heaven come hell. Lord Jesus, if thou
wilt catch me, do; if not, I will venture for thy name.
Before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly
long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ some
hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our
days, I thought--but I desire them now to pardon me--that they had
writ only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength
of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they
perceived others were perplexed with, without going themselves down
into the deep.
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