Now, this mountain and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: the
mountain signified the church of the living God; the sun that shone
thereon, the comfortable shining of his merciful face on them that
were therein; the wall I thought was that which did make separation
betwixt the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the
wall, I thought was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father.
But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow
that I could not but with great difficulty enter in thereat, it
showed me that none could enter into life but those that were in
downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world
behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for
body and soul and sin.
This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I
saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a
vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in
the sunshine; now also would I pray wherever I was, whether at home
or abroad, in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up
of heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, "O Lord, consider my
distress;" for as yet I knew not where I was.
Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortahle persuasion that I
had faith in Christ; hut instead of having satisfaction here, I
began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my
future happiness; especially with such as these: "Whether I was
elected;" "But how if the day of grace should be past and gone?"
Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might
well be so: wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition;
counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off
thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still
crying out, "O that I had turned sooner! O that I had turned seven
years ago!" It made me also angry with myself to think that I should
have no more wit but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven
were lost.
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